it's 2:45 am, on December 24, 2003 - the year in review.

~

So this thing's been going around livejournal, called 'the year in review' - at least, a lot of people are calling it that. �And I keep reading the questions and wanting to break down and cry.

Yesterday, I went over to Will's parents' place and there were so many people there I nearly bolted. if I'd had my own car I would have been gone by eight thirty. So many people, so many possibilities for social gaffs, for me to sit there, paranoid over my own body and unable to move. �Will, however, he dragged me into his bedroom - somewhat drunk but not really a lot - and asked, "disa, disa, tell me you're not this sad all the time. Tell me it's about me, that it's something tonight. �You can't be this sad." and when I shrugged, he looked at me like it was awful and said, "disa, this isn't *you*."

and I really think that it is.

--

the year in review:

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
gone to a funeral. �written a twenty page paper for school. �--I was going to say, "tried to kill myself", but I don't know if that counts. �because a. I have thought about, set plans in motion for, and nearly attempted to do so numerous times in the past, and b. when it came down to it, I didn't attempt to. �not hard enough. �I'm still breathing, aren't I?

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
apparently I didn't post any this year; the last new years resolutions I remember making were to get some new shoes, and to slim down like britney spears. �which, alas, I have no new shoes.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no. �I was very scared for at least a month that I might be giving birth some time in the near future, however.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Define close to me. I had a mental breakdown because of the death of a fictional character, and my grandpa whom I kind of felt apathetic towards died. �together I suppose that counts.

5. What countries did you visit?
just the states.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
whoever I stole this off said 'money'. �I would like, new shoes. �no, really, I would just like some fucking peace of mind, or. i would like. whatever.

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
june 21st.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
finishing school.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not actually doing anything other than finishing school.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
funny story - I slammed my own hand in the car door. but I didn't break my finger.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Firefly dvds! �OotP was the best and the worst, so.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I so don't get this. �Christina Aguilera, for kissing madonna? I dunno.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
a lot of people online that I know hate people and trick people way too much. it depresses me to no end.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I didn't have any money. when I did, it went to textbooks, and bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I tried to think really really hard about this, and came up with order of the phoenix coming out. and then of course, I can't think of anything else I was excited about.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
I have no idea.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? probably sadder. but I don't know. �everyone else thinks that this isn't me. I think that this is me, and they just didn't see it before. �my life feels like a constant downslide.
ii. thinner or fatter? probably the same. I don't have a scale.
iii. richer or poorer? poorer. so much so.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
work.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
be afraid.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
at home. it'll be cool, except that Matt, the sister's boyfriend, won't be around. he's part of the family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
define fall in love. �I have felt in love so many times and so thickly, like a blanket of fog that means nothing about a person makes sense, that I can't even recognise it anymore.

23. Any one-night stands?
I think yes. �it's kind of hazy. several night stands? whatever.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Firefly. Firefly, firefly, firefly. and a bit of Dead Like Me, and Angel, when I bought the first season dvds.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no. I'm starting to get fed up with a lot of negative attitudes.

26. What was the best book you read?
the one that comes to mind is Memoirs of a Geisha. �It absolutely took my breath away.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't know. �the retirement station, that plays nothing but frank sinatra, perry como, and those fellows all day, I guess.

28. What did you want and get?
done with school.

29. What did you want and not get?
any clue/motivation/courage whatsoever to do something after that.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
oh, that's like saying. no, I have no idea.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old?
I wrote a midterm on my birthday. it was my 21st.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

...I've been thinking about this one for a long time, and I can't come up with anything. maybe if I could I'd be better.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
if it's clean, wear it? I dunno. if you like it, it's probably too expensive?

34. What kept you sane?
I don't know if this question applies to me. �some people being there, and being able to go to the lake. but I don't know if that kept me sane or just acted as a bit of a pressure valve for the crazy; not actually dealing with it or releasing any of the tension, simply ciphoning a bit off at a time.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Christina.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Provincial healthcare and the war on terrorism. both inflame me in ways I cannot describe, except to tell you that in high school I was an anarchist and one of those people who actually read the Anarchist's cookbook. �my favorite movie is "fight club". this is maybe not news.

I don't actually know.

37. Who did you miss?
I miss Will and aaron, maybe. and, people I don't see anyway. and. or.

I've managed to train myself out of missing people, so when they're gone I don't mourn them.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I didn't meet anyone new, except a few people from class. but they're gone.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
sometimes things you love let you down.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
this is really hard. to be ironic, I want to quote Matchbox's twenty's "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell". but who knows what is the truth. maybe it should just be fiona apple's "hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love." cause I know I'm a mess you don't wanna clean up.

~

-

what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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