it's 12:28 pm, on June 01, 2007 - storm.
~
I was talking to Kelly on the phone before watching the jays lose spectacularly - which is another story - and the thing that she said was, it feels like something should be going right. like, you don't expect everything to be going your way, but something should be going your way, something should be working out. you should have something to look forward to. and in startlingly familiar echoes, she started saying how she didn't.
kelly and I tend to be a wreck at the same time. I don't know why.
so, the only thing I really have to look forward to lately is kingdom of loathing. and that's kind of pathetic to a magnificent level. I've been trying; I really have. it's just true - nothing is going right, I don't think I can do this anymore. soldier on, kelly, soldier on.
Dan, from pamie.com fame, used to say that you had a certain allotment of good karma points at any given moment. so you can have 50% good apartment karma and 50% good work karma, but your love life will suck ass. or you'll be in a great relationship, but you'll live in a bachelor basement apartment with a shitty job. it's an interesting theory, but I don't hold to it anymore, unless you can somehow use up future karma points as well as current ones. so I used to have 100% apartment points, 50-75% job and relationship, which see-sawed depending; and now I have zero on all of them. maybe we'll say 10% apartment for the deck.
mean mr. mustard says don't be the wave that crashes.
-
I was thinking about pete wisdom on the subway home yesterday, listening to the pete themesong as designated by al. it wasn't the best ride. the subway is a dangerous place for me these days, as it gives me too much time to think and has enough privacy - or anonymity, which these days translates to the same thing - to mean that I cry in public.
to fall asleep, to dream forever, and not wake up in the middle of the night alone. that's what I crave these days.
divine apathy, disease of my youth.
one of these days, I'll stop spewing. maybe pretty soon I'll just lock this journal so that it's not available, it's not intruding. I hate to put myself upon other people, my thoughts and feelings. it feels rude, as if I never have the right. part of why I lock away, distance, and fence myself in. I think I'm out of my youth, since I'm not apathetic anymore, not indifferent, not cold and shut down; all I am is an unhappy hurricane trying to touch down in uninhabited regions as much as possible. once you allow something to affect you, I guess you can't make it stop again.
~
-
what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015
-