it's 11:25 pm, on December 22, 2007 - -.

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now this is interesting: I'm as sick of Vancouver as I am of Toronto, and the holidays don't even feel like home. conclusion: I mos def don't belong here either.

oh boy. won't nowhere be my resting place now that it's been taken away?

whatever. this is growing up I suppose. the pain in my stomach is physical hunger, not emotional and certainly not spiritual.

I found a journal that I'd made for daniel upstairs, today, and it had original photos that i'd taken of bangkok, venice, munich, in it. irreplaceable pictures. I carefully pulled them up from the journal, put them in a smaller and smaller pile of things I want to keep, and then threw the journal out. it's just another lesson in never ever gifting something irreplaceable to someone else, because rarely do you get to unglue it and save it from the garbage like that. I mean, he might have actually kept it, and then he'd have those pictures, forever.

I also finally cleaned out my last sentimental box of things, full of oddments and things that really didn't have significance except I'd been keeping them forever. in it was also this list of things I wanted to do in life, started when I was thirteen and foolishly added to from then on. I ripped it up carefully and threw it out. it felt pretty damned good.

one of the entries on it was basically "do all these things before 29 then disappear forever", and I realized I'm only 3 years from twenty-nine. so maybe it's time to get rid of those life goals and dreams once and for all.

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I'm tired of sighing, and tired of crying, and tired of - well, you know, everything and anything and everyone. i tell people here I love toronto, because I don't want them to ever think I'm coming 'home', i.e.: back, and I tell people in toronto that I can't wait to go back to Vancouver to escape. but nowhere actually equals an escape anymore. everywhere has ties, emotional obligations, and that is just not relaxing.

a darkness in the heart cannot be fixed by moving the body from place to place.

maybe it's just that I'm really not feeling the holidays this year, which really upsets me more than one can say, because I love Christmas and the holidays. maybe once you have your own household, it's different, and the traditions that used to be comforting become stiffling and trite instead; feel just like pointless, over-doing-it rituals instead of home. I loved the holidays last year, and contrasting that with this year is so depressing I just want to give up and go back to Toronto early. whatever, though, because that's no better.

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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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